wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
