Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Let's paint friendship bongs
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
