No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
