This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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