cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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