happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
