Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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