I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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