Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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