Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
