I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
