God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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