What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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