I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize