I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just pee around me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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