Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
