I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
