If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
