If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
