My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
