id be glad to
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
