If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
