I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
