I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
