you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
