You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
