So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
