seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
