Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
being pregnant is like rehab
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
