At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
