new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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