i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
