I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
