Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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