I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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