It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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