i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
