Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
