Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
