can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
