i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
