Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
