Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
