So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
