Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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