I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
