My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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