he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
