I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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