well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
