i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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