I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
