he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
