gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
