I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
